Clocked in at 103 pages... and finished it finally! This one had been in the works for a while now (I "officially" started it in November, 2005 - but it has actually been around for much longer)! And, so, the thing to do now is to:
1) set it aside...
2) give it some time (maybe a month or so while I write another one)
3) Go back to it with some time and distance
4) edit, revise and re-work it...
5) write the SECOND DRAFT!

The last time I blogged, wrote about my deep desire to get back into my writing and to start moving on stuff during this next decade. And... you may be wondering... have I made good on this newfound desire to be faithful in another area of giftedness?

Well, the short answer is yes! I've gone back to a screenplay I had started a little over a year ago (in November, 2005 to be exact) and I have begun, somehow, furiously writing again.

Last night, I was able to churn out another 10 pages - albeit only a few pages of stuff that will last past the 3rd re-write - of this screenplay, putting my total page count now at 96. My guesstimate is that this particular screenplay will clock in somewhere around 120 pages when it's all said and done.

I have to be completely honest and say that I had actually been missing doing some writing. Getting back into "shape" in my writing has almost been like riding a bike after a long hiatus... those long dormant muscles respond to the new stimuli quickly and before you know it, you're riding along, without ever missing a beat!

The screenplay is nearing completion, though, and may only take another day or so... and because of this, I have already decided deep within that when I finish this particular screenplay, I shall call a few friends, go out for a nice dinner and celebrate. Then, I shall very quickly push it aside and begin work on the next screenplay, which is a cross between "Jeepers Creepers 2," "The Breakfast Club" and "Dog Soldiers" - three movies I find somewhat enjoyable - especially "Dog Soldiers," which Miles has yet to return to me.

So, I am very much taking advantage of the dwindling days of 2006 and as she winds down, I am looking forward to sending the old girl off with not just one completed life goal (finishing this particular screenplay before the end of 2006), but possibly two ;)

I am on a "hot streak" right now and I'd love to wrap up this second little screenplay (it will most likely only come in at 90-100 pages) by around the end of January.

And, of course, if all goes to plan (which I have no reason to think it won't), I am anticipating being back on my novel sometime in the early Spring! In short, this part of turning 30 has been a HUGE encouragement and something of a blessing in disguise!

More later...

UPDATE (02-21-07): Just making sure... my youth pastor's name was Henry Bernshausen and I wanted to make sure he got full credit for one of his many incredible sermons... even though I did state that it was my youth pastor's and not mine, I just wanted to make sure and say exactly who my youth pastor was. Especially since he found it and read it and commented! ;-)

Opening Prayer...

Any of you ever been fishing? I have. I went fishing once in Arkansas at a small creek with some folks from here. I didn't catch much, mind you. In fact, I think I caught more of my sweatshirt that day than I did of anything else.

I've got some pictures here of one of our students, Richard Fangmeier, who went fishing with his Dad and brothers last year. He gave these pictures to me, and I thought since we were going to talk a little bit about fishing that we'd show these.

(Show Pic)
Here's the battle between Richard and the fish.
(Show Pic)
He had a little bit of help. And then we've got the winner of that particular battle.
(Show Pic)
Then, we've got the picture of the fisherman and his brothers.
(Show Pic)
And we've got what they found in the fish's belly.

Now, I would like to take a moment and tell you a story about fishing. This story happens to be about a man named Bob.

Illustration: Bob hooks a huge bass
Bob had a great day of bass fishing, not just a great day, but a record-breaking day. He was able to hook the heaviest bass known to man. Soon after his sudden success, Bob was asked to speak to a fisherman's club about his experience.

Bob went through the whole story with them, telling them what lure he had used and explaining the struggle he had pulling the fish in. One of the members of the club was so impressed with his story that he asked Bob to come speak to another group. Soon, Bob was speaking everywhere about this one fishing experience. In fact, he spent three years going from place to place telling this story. However, during those three years, he never went fishing.

Now, you may have heard this story before or you may doubt that it really happened... but the truth of it, what's behind it is clear. Many people think that going fishing one time makes them a fisherman. I've been fishing once or twice in my lifetime... that does not make me a fisherman.

The same thing with practicing evangelism... the process of sharing Jesus Christ with others. Just because I shared Jesus once long ago doesn't make me an evangelist.

This morning, we're going to look at a piece of Scripture that was spoken by Jesus and we're going to draw four principles of evangelism. Not the only four, not the perfect four, but four in a strategy that Jesus laid out for his disciples.
In doing so, our prayer should be that God would allow us to live out some of these principles in not just our church life, but in our everyday lives.

Luke 10:5-6 says this:
5"When you enter a house, first say, 'Peace to this house.' 6If a man of peace is there, your peace will rest on him; if not, it will return to you."

BLESS THEM.
Remember, this is Jesus talking. He's giving instructions on how to begin to win a place in the hearts and minds of the people.

Really, I can see the logic in this. I can see the intelligence in His plan... His strategy. Because we have to ask... what have we lost if we try to bless someone and they refuse it? Nothing! It is their loss! If somebody offers to pray for me and I refuse... it's my loss! If somebody tries to buy me lunch or dinner (which I consider a blessing) and I refuse... it is my loss!

We have become too indoctrinated with the lie that we have nothing to offer an unbelieving world... we have salvation, church! We have the only name through which men may gain salvation! We have the security and peace of mind that this world is not all there is!

Luke 10:7 goes on to say:
7"Stay in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house."

2. FELLOWSHIP WITH THEM.
Remember, Jesus is still speaking. Now, is He saying not to go door-to-door? I don't think so. Somebody, somewhere might try to make a case for it... but I believe there is a much deeper message embedded in these words of instruction.

Jesus understand that human beings are relational and that if you stick around long enough, even with the most reclusive person, eventually, you will push past the veneer, the wall they may have built up and you will get to know that person. You will come to see them as a person and not just a project.

Likewise, when He says to eat and drink whatever they give you, He is saying, become familiar with them, with how they cook their burgers or tacos... take your pick. Because if there's one thing we know Texas, it's that home-cooking varies from home to home... Amen?

Illustration: "Tortillas" My aunt and grandmother were famous for the way they would prepare the flour tortillas. Not too thick, not too thin... but just right. In all my time in Texas, I have never come across anyone who prepares tortillas exactly like they did.

And Jesus knew that if you stuck around someone long enough, in the places they inhabited, that eventually you would come to know them better and better.

But not just for strategy's sake, but also for relationships' sake. When you come to know another human being, you pray for them more intensely because you care about them, you actually desire good and godly things for that person and their family and their life. You don't pray blanket, general prayers anymore... your prayers become
more and more personal and your burden for them becomes stronger.

We bless them, we fellowship with them and we...

Luke 10:9a says this...
9Heal the sick who are there..."

3. MEET THEIR NEEDS.
If someone is sick, heal them. Heal them. If someone is hurting, help them. If someone is hungry, feed them. If someone is naked, clothe them. If they are in need, meet that need.

I'm not saying the church can meet every need... we can't. It's impossible. Neither am I saying that we should allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. There are so many swindlers out there today that have no problem with cheating a church... I take offense at it. I'd like to take one or two every now and then behind the church house and teach 'em a thing or two about respect for the church. But then there's people inside the church who have just as much problem learning respect.

So, we bless them, we fellowship with them, we meet their needs and...

Luke 10:9b finishes it off:
"...and tell them, 'The kingdom of God is near you.'"

4. THEN, SHARE THE MESSAGE OF CHRIST WITH THEM.

It's really very simple. These four principles don't have a lot to them, but sometimes we have a hard time because they're about evangelism.

But How do we share the message of Christ?

Some practical tips for sharing Jesus...

1. Always be prepared.
1 Peter 3:15b instructs us, "Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."

2. Always be in prayer.

3. Always be aware of opportunities.

Let me close with this film clip... we're talking about fishing, so let's look at a movie that has some really great fishing scenes in it.

Illustration: Clip from Jaws.
Start Time: 00:36:06
End Time: 00:37:45

Chief Brody didn't warn people about swimming in shark-infested waters, even though he should have.

How many of us would not warn friends if they were about to dive into shark-infested waters?

The Bible says that no one will live forever, that no man can escape the power of the grave (Psalm 89:48). Nobody. Eventually, every one of us, and everyone that we know is going to have settle up with the grave.

Why oh why would we not tell people who are about to dive headfirst into Hell?

Why oh why would we allow ourselves to be put in a position where we would have to shoulder the fact that we could've, but we didn't?

Why oh why, would we talk with some close friends about everything else under the sun... but we wouldn't share with them the simple, life-changing, soul-saving news of Jesus Christ?

Let's pray...

Now, brace yourself... it doesn't feel as old as it sounds. When I was a teenager, I used to think, "Man, when I turn 30, I will be old. That's old. 30 years is a long time. It's 3 decades. Man, that's ancient." However, now, being within a month of turning 30, I've started waxing philosophical and evaluating where I am at with turning 30 and I am reevaluating my thoughts on the matter. Premier is the fact that 30 feels nowhere near as old" as I thought it would. Except when I get up to go jogging for my church's Boot Camp program.

I am not at a place where I am necessarily regretting getting "old-er"... being 30 has definite advantages. I'm on a career path and have some money... not a lot, but enough to be able to do some cool stuff. I have life experience to draw from. Again, not a lot, but enough to have some idea of what wisdom can be: not saying I have it, but I am saying that I can at least see where I need it most. I have completed and achieved some things... but nowhere near what I had envisioned as a teenager. It doesn't really bother me, that much, though, because I realize that I had some naive dreams as a teenager, probably more naive than most, and so looking back on them, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that some of them didn't come to pass by this particular birthday.

There are some things, though, that have begun to creep into my thoughts on a more and more frequent basis, though. As I near 30, I have begun taking stock in some things that - while realistic - I will have to work extremely hard at and in at least one case, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that must pursue with a vengence.

I have, on numerous occasions, taught and read through a bible passage in which a parable is told of three servants who are given the responsibility of being stewards over their master's wealth. The specific amount of money each is assigned varies, but one thing stays the same; each is given at least one "talent." Now, a talent was a specific measurement of money in the culture and time period of the parable's telling and it was the highest possible amount that could be named. An incredible sum. Almost a blank check, if you will. The three servants each are given a different number of talents and then turned loose. Two of the servants put their talents to use and double their master's wealth. One of them, however, hides his and does nothing with it.

When the master returns, the two who put their master's wealth to use are rewarded and invited into fellowship with their master. However, the servant who simply hides his talent is sent out into the cold and is rebuked harshly by his master.

By now, most of you have probably picked up on this and know where this is headed. Bottom line? I don't want to be that guy who simply sits on his "talent" and gets chewed out by his Master. I firmly believe that each of us has been given some share of our Master's wealth (ie: talents, abilities, resources, etc) and once we are entrusted with them, it then becomes our responsibility to put them to use. It is important that I note the true ownership of the wealth... it is not mine, I am simply the steward, the trustee. It is my Master's. I am a temporary steward of my talents, abilities and whatnot and my belief is that one day, I will be held accountable for what I do with what I've been given.

I would not ever presume to tell someone else this in regard to their own life... this is a very personal conviction of my own. I am not even claiming to espouse solid biblical hermeneutics in this blog. Just offering a few random thoughts based on my own personal spiritual journey.

Back to the matter at hand. I have begun to re-shift my internal gears back towards my writing. I have always been very interested in writing, telling stories, creating. It's been something I have been fascinated with, primarily because my mother took the time during our summers to cart myself, my brother and sister to the downtown branch of the Houston Public Library and - initially - force us to read stacks of books for hours at a time. As time went on, I came to unearth my own love of reading, of story-telling, and of how artfully life could be conveyed through the written word. It even rivaled my love of the cinematic story-telling (which is a whole other blog).

And so, as I move towards 30, and as I keep in mind my own spiritual journey and the aforementioned parable, I am continually impressed with a deep, surging sense of urgency. I must begin to utilize the gifts I have been given... if I truly want to fully develop them and make the most out of them. I could just bury my desire to write in letters to students and parents or emails to prospects and such, in curriculum-writing and developing, but the reality is that I feel I need to begin exercising some long-forgotten mental and creative muscles. I need to write. And I need to write because I am approaching 30 and 30 is closer to halfway than not of an average human life-span. And I need to write because no day is guaranteed to us and we are prompted by a very wise man to make the most of every opportunity because the days are "evil." No day is promised. And I don't think I want to waste any more days as maybe I had done at different points in my younger years. So, in writing this blog, I continue to expand outlets for working out some long-dormant muscles. Please excuse the shoddy - at best - craftsmanship of this blog. Some muscles are flabby from lack of use. Some are sore from this little burst of exercise right here. And some have a long way to go before I can finish that novel I have begun working on again.

30 is coming soon... and I sure want to make sure I am moving full steam ahead when I get ready to hit 40. Because standing on the brink of turning 30 years old, 40 years old sure looks "old." And I would certainly hate to be in the same place with my writing at 40 years old as I am on the cusp of turning 30.

So, check it out...

Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle are You?

I'm the oldest son of three children. Parents (Maurilio & Rose) live here in Houston. Mother is an HISD teacher, father is a semi-retired contractor. Younger sister Sarah is a teacher for HISD also and youngest brother Daniel works for UPS while attending college.

I went to Waltrip High School (Go Rams!).

I am a fan of Houston teams, even when they do badly (Go Texans! Woop! Woop!). I love the Astros in spite of them getting swept.

I currently serve on the Board of Directors for Mission Houston, an organization that seeks to be a catalyst for true God-inspired change in the city of Houston.

I am an avid film buff, but not a film snob. In particular, I like action/adventure, comedies and Oscar bait. I am, however, very difficult to go see movies with because I do not believe in the 'perfect film' and I will dissect the film shot-by-shot if you let me, thereby ruining the film-going experience for you.

I am currently working on both a screenplay and a novel (separate stories). The novel is called The Lifer and is about, you guessed it, a youth minister.

I enjoy weight-lifting, going to the MarqE, hanging out at Starbucks with friends and reading a good book.

I have actually appeared in one of the films I worked on. I was 'Angry Camp Counselor' in Sterling: The Secret of the Lost Medallion, available on DVD. (where it's available, I couldn't tell you, though I have copies of it)

I enjoy music by David Crowder Band, Robbie Seay Band, Coldplay, Grits, Othello, T-Bone, Jeremy Camp, the Newsboys and orchestral scores for a ton of motion pictures.

I enjoy the following television shows; 24, Lost, CSI and the original versions of G.I. Joe and Transformers, not the new junk.

I enjoy books by John Grisham, Michael Crichton and Frank Peretti. I also enjoy reading comic books (graphic fiction sounds more mature, but slightly weird) and I firmly believe that some of the best fiction being written today is being done in "the funnybooks."

I come from a Catholic background and accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior at the age of 16 at the local Baptist church.

I went to University of Houston, same as my folks, and majored in Communications - Media Production. That encompasses digital film-making, production techniques in and out of the studio and web-work. I can make a movie, dissect the aesthetic symbolism in it, build a website to promote it and explain why film-making as an art-form is a necessary part of inter-human communication. Ahhh, the innumerable benefits of a college edjumaction.

Additionally, I serve with SPAMARAMA (a multi-church, youth outreach in Houston, TX), Super Summer (leadership training of teens in Texas), and with the UBA in various capacities, as needed.

It has been a decision that has been the subject of much prayer and thought over the past few months (I actually first met with Gary Long about it in late-October of 2005) and though I will greatly miss the friends and family at Rittenhouse, I am looking forward and am greatly excited about this new opportunity at Willow Meadows.

I was first made aware of the need for a Next Generation Pastor at Willow Meadows Baptist Church by a good friend of mine, Karen Campbell, at the Union Baptist Association. She told me that I needed to connect with a pastor friend of hers named Gary Long. She said that his church was searching for a youth guy and that she would be interested in seeing how a meeting of the minds between he and I played out.

We met and hung out, very informally, and we had opportunity to connect. It went well and the process continued. Now, before I continue, there is something I must let you know. When I first came to Rittenhouse Baptist Church, God very clearly and very smoothly moved me from a place of initial unwillingness into a place of peaceful acceptance. In much the same way now, I have gone from initially not wanting to leave the church I was currently in to accepting that sometimes, much like in the game of chess, the "Grand Master" must move pieces around the board in order to accomplish his longer-term strategy. Sometimes, the Grand Master leaves a piece in a certain spot for a long time. Sometimes, He has to move a piece only a couple of spots away and sometimes, He has to move a piece all the way across the board.

As the process continued, I began to realize that there was a good chance that God was providing for me a new opportunity and that this was something I needed to pursue. As with every other decision at a Baptist church, it was a lengthy process and, as always, was - near the end - something that I feel God has His hand on.

I have thoroughly enjoyed my time at Rittenhouse and will look back on my time there with a heart-felt fondness. At the same time, I look towards my time at Willow Meadows Baptist Church with a mixture of genuine excitement and anticipation (and hey, a little bit of nervousness mixed in for seasoning).

I firmly believe in the vision of Willow Meadows Baptist Church, which is to be an "other-directed," covenantal community of Christians that dares to aid God in transforming Southwest Houston into a place more like the Kingdom of God. I am and have been someone deeply interested and invested in seeing God transform Houston into a place that looks more like His kingdom. I am and continue to be a follower of Christ who is passionate about partnering with churches that are serious about impacting and reaching out to their communities. Additionally, I am passionate about a church that desires to support and uplift its student ministry in the ways in which Willow Meadows has committed to do.

I am excited about the future and appreciative of the past as I transition into a new season of ministry. For those prayer warriors who may be reading this entry, please be in prayer for me as I move through this transition. Please keep Rittenhouse in your prayers as they begin seeking God's providence in bringing a new youth worker and then continue to pray for the church family at Willow Meadows as preparations continue for the arrival of their new Next Generation Pastor.

Blessings,

C-Los

Rating the Resources: I will be giving ratings to both types of curriculum and I'll even be doing some in-depth reviews of the different Bible study materials that are available out there. I'll be starting off giving capsule reviews of the various 5-6 session curriculums that are popular for Disciple Now and weekend retreats. Instead of you student ministers having to buy copies... just swing by MadMinister.com and check the ratings!

Articles: Look for all-new in-depth articles on the ongoing 'culture war,' dangers to avoid for the emerging church, and an in-depth look at the importance of para-church ministries such as Mission Houston and UBA. I am also considering a series of articles outlining the importance of regional cooperative efforts between student ministries.

Books: I have some responsive articles that I wrote based on my reading list from 2005 and I'll be sharing those essays, some of which are deeply personal, over the course of the next few weeks. In fact, I think I'll go ahead and post one later today...

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.